Several years ago there was a reality show on MTV called IF You Really Knew Me. It was set in various high schools across the country. The idea of the show was to look beyond the various cliques that we associate with to reveal that we are not really different in the things that we experience. Each of the students participated in Challenge Day where the student was assigned a small group to be apart of. In that group, they would share something personal about themselves by stating, “If you really knew me, you would know that I…”. By the end of the episode, the athletes, band kids, the studious, the outcasts all realize that they are going through the same things that everyone else is. Divorce, abuse, poverty, relationship problems, esteem issues are the great equalizer in every teens’ life.
This is because all humans are not that different from each other. We all struggle with similar issues, especially when it comes to how we relate to each other. It is all due to the fact that relationships are complicated. Sometimes they don’t always work the way we want it to. This is true, whether it is a friendship, a work relationship and is especially true, with something more intimate.
Any type of relationship means that there has to be vulnerability. If you are vulnerable to someone then trust is involved. You are allowing yourself to open up to someone and trusting that they will not violate that trust. However, sometimes that trust is broken.
Genesis 2: Man Was Made for Relationships
Genesis 2 tells us that God is relational. From the beginning it says that we were created to be in a relationship with Him. It then tells us that we were made for each other. Man was not meant to be alone. Like everything, it was first all good, but soon became distorted as sin entered into the world.
God gave us The Bible which is a book of relationships. It shows us both the good and bad about how man relates to each other. It shows us what our relationship to God is meant to be and how that kind of relationship can be achieved. It models how we should interact and treat our fellow Christians. It directs us how we are to view those who do not believe in a relational God.
It is summed up in Mark 12, when Jesus was asked “What is the Greatest Commandment? Jesus tells us that our first responsibility is to Him,
“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength…
Mark 12:30
He then follows up with a revolutionary statement, a sometimes difficult statement,
“… and you should love your neighbor as yourself.”
Mark 12:31
In the gospel of John, Jesus says,
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another”
John 13:34-35
Jesus made it very clear that the lost, the world, will know that we are Christians, not by our perfect life, not by how successful we are, not by whether we know our church doctrine, but by our love for each other.
This connection to God now connects us together.This book on relationships tells us how the church should relate to each other. I Thessalonians 4:9; I Timothy 1:5, I Peter 1:22 admonishes Christians to love one another.
-Romans 15:2 says that Christians are to encourage one another,
“Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up”
I Corinthians 12:11-13, Galatians 3:28, and Colossians 3:11 state that all believers are part of the Body of Christ, and, as one body, we are to support one another. Philippians 2:4 tells us that we should help those brothers and sisters in need and not merely be concerned for our own needs. Colossians 3:13 says that we should also be quick to forgive a brother or sister when they have wronged us.
This whole love thing sounds great until you have to put-it into practice. It’s one thing to be hurt by someone who is not a believer but it is another when it is someone who is supposed to know differently. Sometimes it is easier to forgive a person who is not a Christian than someone who is also a follower of Christ.
However, here’s the problem with not just our relationships within the church, but with our relationships in general. Sometimes we view our relationships through the filter of our past experiences. It is sifted thought our belief systems. This starts with a situation, that leads to our thoughts, our thoughts then lead to emotions and then emotions leads to behaviors, or actions, that strengthen our belief system as a whole. It is like those who have come from abusive childhoods. How can I call God, who I cant see with my natural eyes, a good father when I’ve been hurt by my earthly father who I can see. It creates a disconnect inside of us.
But remember that we are created for relationships.
This issue with trust and being vulnerable is encoded in our DNA. What is the very first thing that the doctor does after a baby is born? He gives the baby to to its mother in order to form a bond. The baby learns to feel safe and secure in the arms of his mother.
The baby is saying that this relationship is safe and it is good and I am allowing myself to be vulnerable to you. I feel safe to express my true emotions knowing that you will not judge or criticize or condemn me. This is the definition of true love.
This is how it is supposed to be in the Body of Christ. This is what Jesus meant by the world knowing you are Christians by your love. This is what true intimacy between believers is supposed to be like. Intimacy is not just between a husband and a wife relationship. Intimacy is open, vulnerable trust between believers.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth
John Bowlby was a British psychoanalyst who help pioneer Attachment Theory. One of his famous research studies was observing hospitalized children during World War 2. He theorized that children have one primary care giver that is the basis of all other attachments throughout a person’s life. An attachment is how we do or do not do relationships. If relationships are safe and enjoyable then Bowlby believed that it was due to a safe and secure relationship with the primary caregiver as a child.
Bowlby saw that the young hospitalized children had various reactions to their parents when they came to visit them. When they were afraid, they did not have immediate access to their attachment figure. Some were alone for long periods of time and likely felt abandoned by their caregiver(s). This brought up insecurities that Bowlby believed later on would affect how the child would view personal relationships. Imagine being a young child who is all alone in a strange environment. Mom or dad is not there to comfort them. Therefore, they cannot be there to take care of my needs when I need them the most. Thus, if I cannot trust those who are supposed to be there for me, how can I trust any relationship at all.
Mary Ainsworth built upon this situation when she studied 12-18 month old children and how they reacted when their caregiver briefly left the room. When the caregiver returned, she observed that some children, although distressed when mom was not there, had a positive reaction when she retuned. Ainsworth called this a secure attachment. You know that mom is going to be there in the time of need and that she has not abandoned you completely.
Next, Ainsworth observed that there was an avoidant attachment, where the child had no distress, and did not seem to care very much, when the mother returned. This is possibly due to lack of attention and neglect from the care giver in everyday life. Later in life, they may grow up avoiding close relationships, and only getting involved when it could meet a personal need. These types of people may also be prone to addictive behavior, which is an attempt to temporary satisfy a need or to reduce internal stress. They grow to develop an inflated view of self and a negative view of others. I can’t trust others to truly love me therefore, I will do whatever I need to please myself.
Finally, Ainsworth observed that some children were ambivalent when their mother returned in to the room. She called this anxious-resistant, in which the mother was not consistent in caregiving-producing anxiety, anger and helplessness within the child. Some of these children grow up numb to emotions, not knowing how to feel in stressful situations.They develop a negative view of self and a negative view of others. They may think, ‘I am not worthy to be loved by others therefore I cannot trust others to take of my needs’.
So, if a person has been hurt in a relationship, which we all have been in some way or another, that experience changes the way we think about relationships, in general. It literally changes the neural pathways in our brain. Before the hurt we think one way, and afterwards, we are now conditioned to think another.
Love hurts at times
If that wound happens between believers we begin to question each others motives. It produces gossip, slander, innuendo, strife as it spreads like wild fire among the body and quenches the work that God wants to do in the church. How many people have left churches because they have been hurt in one way or the other.
Remmeber, James says that the our toungue can be used to both bless God and curse our brother. He warns that such a great fire can be produced by just a small spark of a hurtful word.
Therefore, we have to be careful that we don’t filter perceived situations through our past wounds and experiences.
Now, everything that happens, any kind of conflict, is screened through the hurts and experiences in our life. Our perspective of the situation is skewed so that what we think is really true of a situation, may not be completely accurate.
Have you ever walked into a room where a group of people are talking and they stop as soon as they see you come in? We immediately think it is about us.
However, the greatest lesson that we can learn that will save us a lot of grief and anxiety in life is that it is not always about us. Sometimes our views fail the test of reliability.
Any test that you create has to have two elements. First, it has to be valid. Validity is important because the test has to measure what it as created to measure. If you wanted to create a spelling test for 3rd graders, then it will have to have words on it that a third grader could spell. If it has 6th grade spelling words, then the test is not valid. Second it has to be reliable. This means if you give the same test over and over again it would produce similar results.
Tests can be valid-but that doesn’t mean they are always reliable. Our view, or assessment, of a situation, can be valid but it doesn’t me it is always reliable.
The emotions that we feel,-the hurt, the regrets, the “what ifs” are valid but it does not always mean that what we feel or think about a situation is reliable. This is because we are viewing it through the filter of our own past hurts, our own experiences and belief systems.
It is like if we were on opposite sides of a street and we both witnessed a car accident. I may describe who was at fault in the accident and it may be completely different than how you view it. Each of our own viewpoints and statements of the event are valid but that doesn’t mean that both of them are reliable.
“ Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling pieces in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know is partial and imcomplete but then I will know everything completely just as God now knows me completely:.
1 Corinthians 13:12
So what do we do when we have been hurt? What happens when there is a broken relationship within the body, among each other?
Paul says that God has given us a ministry of reconciliation. Restoration has to be the goal. If we cannot operate under grace and mercy then we need to quit calling us followers of Jesus. Remember, the world (and the wounded believer) will know we are Christians by our love.
Romans urges us to live in harmony with each other and compels us to live in peace with everyone. When we do this, we choose to open up our life to each other. We choose to become vulnerable to each other again. Yes, that means that there is a chance that we can be wounded again. It means that others can hurt us with their words or actions. However, it also means that grace can overflow. It means that our wounds form the past can begin to heal. It means that we are no longer afraid to love or to be loved.
Here is the bottom line: Healing comes when our vision of the future is stronger than our memories and pain of the past.
We can love but we might get hurt in the process. We can be vulnerable to another but end up wounded. Hurt people often hurt others. However, we need each other, and although scary, the potential of fulfilling relationships will vastly outweigh the hurts and wounds from our past. This is the point we begin to heal. But we have to allow others into our lives and we have to be willing to trust others once again.
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